I can’t handle this anymore, I’m so sick of being selfish, striving after a sense of stability, — doing things in my own strength.
The past 3 weeks have been the hardest season of my life (not to sound melodramatic). My joy, hope, faith, patience, kindness, physical health, peace, and security/stability have been tested to an extreme that I can’t even begin to describe for lack of time and paper.
But sitting here in my tent, talking with God I realized… isn’t this what I’ve been asking for?
Quotes from John’s prayer life:
-God make me more like Jesus
–I want to get to a place where it’s just you and me God
-Holy spirit come and speak to me… all the time.
In the midst of writing this it dawned on me… before Jesus did anything he fasted and was temted for 40 day. This season is God’s way of training me to be like his son. I would be missing out if I give into the temtations or to just quit.
Lies satan is temting me with:
1) Today is hopeless, you’re already trying so hard and not only is nothing changing but things are getting worse ( the seed of truth in that is from my perspective and at times things did get worse EX: my typhoid)
2) You need to be joyful and “perform” a certain way for your relationships on your team to work or grow… and how can you expect to do any kind of ministry or work for God if basic needs of yours or your community aren’t being met
GOD’S RESPONSE ( for i can’t speak in defense of myself, but “when I have nothing to say the spirit speaks with utterings too deep for words”)
– HAHA that’s my son, you are trying so hard to get him out of the picture… but I love him so much that actually the things you’ve tried to do to put him down, I have turned to good. I have put over him the authority to OVERCOME ANYthing you throw at him, I have anointed him in the same spirit and calling as King David. The Philistines had one man stand in defiance against me, you thought you were winning so I humbled you with just one young boy, with more courage and faith in my strength than any mighty or numurous army. THAT SAME BOY IS JOHN!!! that is my son and I love him very much no matter what his friends or even family think, for he has found favor with me all the days of his life.
God I love you and I thank you for this time of DEEP struggling, I LOVE YOU I thank you that “you know the plans you have for me” and “you will NEVER leave me OR forsake me”.
AMEN
I wrote this in my journal our first night reaching our outreach location to sleep in tents for a week ( no problem i love camping) and got some REALLY bad news on the phone from our leaders in america concerning me which made me feel even more pressure to “perform” for them and my teammates i had a breakdown and just fell in the dirt talking to one of them (probably some poop too) and just couldn’t handle myself anymore i NEEEEEDED God desperately i had NOTHING left to continue in my own strength. I still was not fully recovered from the typhoid i had the few weeks before which wound up with me almost dying and i had to talk with God and wait for his answer but apparently he was waiting for me because after i wrote this i just laid down and cried and listened to God tell me even deeper things about me that i never knew or hadn’t believed for myself before and i tell you from experience there is power in knowing who you are or what you are on this earth for. After that talk with God and that night i had the most amazing fulfilling week of outreach where i am at a new understanding and peace with God that i would go so far to say watch out America i’m coming home soon and God is here with me and he is for me.
And if you’re wondering who you are or why you are here…
you are a son you are a daughter of the King, of Jesus who loves you and set you free so be free and love God, run after him and you will FINALLY be satisfied.
“You are a son or a daughter of the King.” as my old Sponsor Bob W. commented in this regard when discussing “The Lord’s Prayer”, “sherry, if you intend inheriting from the King, it is a good idea to begin ACTING like a Prince.” Wonderfully appropriate counsel for sherry, then, and now. We love yu John, and look forward to visiting with you often here at home. Poppa & Mema H.
It is a worthy goal to grow in the likeness of Christ. Jesus’ example was that He made disciples as He walked “with” them (3 years); you & your teammates have been having to learn while in “survival” mode…not easy. I thank God for His keeping power & the power of prayer during this time in Africa. Our lives become rich through “simplicity of devotion to Christ”. Loving the Father, loving the people. Being led by Christ and not trying to “perform” for any man. My friend says, “a human being, not a human doing”. How free we become as God pleasers & not man pleasers, LED by the Spirit of God. May you rest in the grace that is yours in Christ Jesus.
John!!! I’m so proud of you. I love how aware you are of God’s voice in your life. Keep fighting over there! Looking forward to seeing you when you get back!
Atta boy… I’m proud of you brother. Don’t perform – BE more the man God’s created you to be! It’s not becoming someone different, it’s all the fantastic pieces of you being the majority of what people see when they look at you. I’m glad to hear God’s meeting you right where you’re at. He does that… and it’s awesome. Keep it up bro!
John, I have been keeping up with your postings; but I’m ususlly not that into writing. I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up. You have endured much and grown so much and we are so proud of you. I wanted to pass some things on. I could pass on an event that happened a week after my father died or a series of events where I was nearly killed. But I thought I would choose something which sounds like an event in the New Testament.
The winter, about a month after dad died, I tilled mom’s garden and she did early planting in early February. Late February I took a weekend to go up and help her. Saturday morning a strong storm began blowing in; so I made prepera-tions to cover her plants. The wind was so fierce that after 30 minutes of work I had nothing done. I decided it was time to get God involved. I said “God, if you don’t want mom to have a garden, that’s your business and that’s fine with me. But if you want her to have a garden, You will have to do something about all this wind.” Within 30 seconds the wind calmed to a gentle breeze; and I worked like crazy for about 35 minutes getting everything covered. Just as I was securing the last corner of the last cover the wind started back up. In all, it blew like crazy for about 2 hours before I started covering plants and blew like crazy for at least 12 to 14 hours afterwards.
But mom’s garden was saved. Just another small gift from God when we needed one.
Also, a few years ago, I reached a low point where I felt my prayers didn’t seem to get any higher than the ceiling. I prayed off and on for 3 days before I got an answer back from God. It was sort of a strange answer. It was a poem which I will give to you ….. It’s called
JUST FOR ME (The theme: Christ’s Sacrifical Beauty)
The most beautiful face in all the world, wore a crown of thorns just for me.
The most beautiful back in all the world, was lashed in shame just for me.
The most beautiful hands in all the world, were nailed to a cross, just for me.
The most beautiful feet in all the world, stood in pain just for me.
The most beautiful savior in all the world, bled and died just for me.
God always hears and God always cares. With God its not just personal; it’s extremely personal. And that personal relationship will go on eons upon eons without end long after God calls an end to time.
You have grown considerably and are in our prayers.
Love you, Floyd
John
YOU ARE A SON OF THE MOST HIGH KING. You are HIGHLY FAVORED!
LOVE
MOM