The past 3 weeks have been the hardest season of my life (not to sound melodramatic). My joy, hope, faith, patience, kindness, physical health, peace, and security/stability have been tested to an extreme that I can't even begin to describe for lack of time and paper. 

But sitting here in my tent, talking with God I realized... isn't this what I've been asking for? 

Quotes from John's prayer life:

-God make me more like Jesus

-I want to get to a place where it's just you and me God

-Holy spirit come and speak to me... all the time.

In the midst of writing this it dawned on me... before Jesus did anything he fasted and was temted for 40 day. This season is God's way of training me to be like his son. I would be missing out if I give into the temtations or to just quit.

Lies satan is temting me with:

1) Today is hopeless, you're already trying so hard and not only is nothing changing but things are getting worse ( the seed of truth in that is from my perspective and at times things did get worse EX: my typhoid)

2) You need to be joyful and "perform" a certain way for your relationships on your team to work or grow... and how can you expect to do any kind of ministry or work for God if basic needs of yours or your community aren't being met

GOD'S RESPONSE ( for i can't speak in defense of myself, but "when I have nothing to say the spirit speaks with utterings too deep for words")

- HAHA that's my son, you are trying so hard to get him out of the picture... but I love him so much that actually the things you've tried to do to put him down, I have turned to good. I have put over him the authority to OVERCOME ANYthing you throw at him, I have anointed him in the same spirit and calling as King David. The Philistines had one man stand in defiance against me, you thought you were winning so I humbled you with just one young boy, with more courage and faith in my strength than any mighty or numurous army. THAT SAME BOY IS JOHN!!! that is my son and I love him very much no matter what his friends or even family think, for he has found favor with me all the days of his life.

God I love you and I thank you for this time of DEEP struggling, I LOVE YOU I thank you that "you know the plans you have for me" and "you will NEVER leave me OR forsake me". 

AMEN

I wrote this in my journal our first night reaching our outreach location to sleep in tents for a week ( no problem i love camping) and got some REALLY bad news on the phone from our leaders in america concerning me which made me feel even more pressure to "perform" for them and my teammates i had a breakdown and just fell in the dirt talking to one of them (probably some poop too) and just couldn't handle myself anymore i NEEEEEDED God desperately i had NOTHING left to continue in my own strength. I still was not fully recovered from the typhoid i had the few weeks before which wound up with me almost dying and i had to talk with God and wait for his answer but apparently he was waiting for me because after i wrote this i just laid down and cried and listened to God tell me even deeper things about me that i never knew or hadn't believed for myself before and i tell you from experience there is power in knowing who you are or what you are on this earth for. After that talk with God and that night i had the most amazing fulfilling week of outreach where i am at a new understanding and peace with God that i would go so far to say watch out America i'm coming home soon and God is here with me and he is for me.

And if you're wondering who you are or why you are here... 

you are a son you are a daughter of the King, of Jesus who loves you and set you free so be free and love God, run after him and you will FINALLY be satisfied.